I’m yellin “Tinder”

The online dating world is the epitome of yeesh to me. Now, I know many friends of mine who have developed lasting, solid relationships through these sites so I mean no disrespect to their success. For me though? Not as successful. My standards are super high and I tend to only get creepy messages from people.

ImageI go for the free sites because I’m not really dying for a boyfriend (I don’t need to be matched or lava-lifed, I just want to get back into dating). So I enter POF and I’m cautious, I’m picky. I ignore most messages and the guys I actually meet I feel more of a kinship friendly vibe than anything else. So what to do?

Enter: Tinder.
Or rather: Enter girls night with my non-single girlfriends who want to live vicariously through me. Add some wine, wifi and bam! I’ve downloaded and registered with Tinder.

For those that do not know, Tinder is a “dating” app that takes pictures of you (chosen by you from Facebook) and let’s you scroll through pictures of other people with the opportunity to “swipe right” (aka “you’re hot, I like your face”) or “swipe left” (aka “nice personalities need not apply”). If you swipe right on someone and they swipe right on you, you get a little Super Mario-esque heart that says “you’ve matched” and now have the opportunity to chat with them.

Sure, Tinder is super judgmental but you’ve gotta be a super-human to admit that looks really don’t matter. I believe that a lot of that initial spark and rambunctious butterflies you get when you have a new crush comes from physical attraction. Then it grows even more once you realize you’re compatible with them and has the potential to turn into the L word. Tinder, in my mind, is perfect. No more sketchy looking dudes messaging me first! As well, for a girl just getting back into the scene, there can be a lot of pressure with online dating. Majority of people want girlfriends and a lot of that initial “do they/don’t they” intrigue is missing. With this app though, I can just like people and leave it at that. If we match, it’s up to me to even reply or take it further!

After a week-long use of the app, I’ve developed my own basic screening process. Dudes, take note:

  • Selfies are dangerous territory. Opting for a fun, silly pose or hanging with friends is good. Mirror shots with your phone, not so much. Where are your friends to take pictures of you? …Are you a psycho murderer who has no friends?
  • Ab shots don’t do it for me. I’m intimidated and love dessert too much. Jersey Shore is so 2010.
  • Pics with your dogs rate highly for me. Pics with your cats make me think you’re too introverted and/or too hip for me.
  • A quote from Looking (HBO) is pretty spot on: “Instagram filters have ruined everything and I can’t tell if this guy is hot or not.”
  • Sunglasses are incredibly misleading! Almost every guy looks hot in sunglasses and then the next picture it’s like the beer goggles came off! Beware! Beware the ray bans!

Anyways, I’m having fun with my girlfriends, being totally judgmental biotches, when BAM! I see someone I know.

ImageWell what do I do?! Do I click “yes” because it’s rude for me not to? Or what if I do and they do too and then they think that we should go on a date? When really all I was doing was being nice? Do I mention it to them? What if they get offended if I didn’t click yes and then I’d have to justify the reasoning?! Why did my fun, carefree, no-strings attached Tinder experience suddenly get so complex! I thought I left my neurosis behind at the AppStore!

In the end, I kind of hid. I didn’t say yes or no and closed the app. Essentially running away from it. Now, I’m not as eager swiping through the pictures in case I run into the dude from my Gr 10 Bio class or a close friend. Then again, maybe I will run into that OTHER dude from my Gr 10 Bio class and I can live out my adolescent fantasies.

Damn you, John Hughes

You know what’s a horribly awkward experience that almost every person on the planet has experienced? Unrequited love. There’s a reason there are so many country songs and movies starring Molly Ringwald that address this. I’m not writing about the kind where the dude leads you on intentionally or you’re just completely delusional about the relationship. I mean the kind where you never really knew what could or will happen. Those “in-between”, ” maybe” boys. The kind that keeps you up at night when it’s way past the honourable mention of sleep and all you can do is fantasize about the what ifs.

“What if”…. Ugh, that’s a horrible, horrible phrase. I guess it has some historical/scientific purpose or else we would probably still be sitting in our caves doodling on walls and roasting s’mores and never have gone out exploring the world…. But when it comes to late night internal debates? Brutal.
Shy wave

We’ve all done the awkward wave.

I’ve had my fair share of unrequited loves. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m chicken shit (I am) or I like the idea more than the reality (most likely) or if I just really like putting myself through the drama (my dad once bought me a mug that said “drama queen” on it). Yet, I seem to continually find myself in these situations. I like guys that aren’t living in the same province as me, the guys who are engaged to I’m sure their lovely fiancées, the dude from high school I never got to go to prom with, the list goes on! Not to worry though, 90% of the time I don’t do jack and just keep on plodding on through life while sitting miserably by my computer screen while they post happy couple pictures on Facebook.

“Well, Twitch,” you may think, “you sound kinda pathetic instead of funny and I was promised some funny blog content! Get to the good stuff.” Alright, how about the boy I’ve liked since elementary school getting married and inviting yours truly as his only childhood friend to the wedding? It’s taking all I can NOT to turn into Julia Roberts from My Best Friend’s Wedding. Or finding out that someone you liked wanted to ask you out but you thought that train had sailed so you friend zoned his butt, only to learn years later that you’re the idiot and he was going to ask you out? That time when you liked someone younger but have no idea how to broach the subject without coming across as a Ms. Robinson? What about when a guy tells you he likes you but oh wait, he jumps on a plane shortly after? (this one has actually happened more than once)

A part of me loves it: the chase, the crush, the mystery. Another part of me hates it: the uncertainty, the self-doubt, the let down. I know the obvious answer to all my unrequited love stories to slap myself and make myself more available to the “here and now guys” rather than the “hopefully later guys”. I am learning to do that. It’s scary but I’ll get there. The world is full of less complicated relationships. Yet the hopeless romantic in me is still looking for that movie ending … And hopefully its one where i don’t die tragically in his arms, ditch ducky at the dance or end up twirling around a wedding with my gay best friend. Actually, come to think of it, the last one doesn’t sound that bad.